I married husband #1 right out of college. I accepted his proposal because I was afraid of being on my own. I had obtained a teaching degree in art, but I was terrified to make the leap.  So, I did the sensible thing and got married to the only many who had proposed to me.  I would have someone to take care of me.  See,…idiot! Don’t misunderstand me–he was a nice man, a good provider and a good father.  The major problem was, I was very immature and we were totally unsuited for each other.  He wanted a stay-at-home wife and, as I began to know myself better, I was NOT the stay-at-home type.   So, #1 marriage crashed.  We did stick it out for seven years, however.  We also had two beautiful children.

Marriage #2 happened because I fell crazy in love. You know they say love is blind. Well, all I was missing was a white-tipped walking stick. Up until I met #2, I didn’t believe in pheromones. But, to this day, I say they’re real. We ended up getting married because I proposed, begged and pleaded.  (Oh, yeah, I was 28 years-old and the sex was phenomenal !) Yay, hormones! Unfortunately, I was still immature and we had all the issues that kill a marriage: not enough money, stepchildren problems and total lack of communication.  (Yeah, turns out hot sex can’t be counted as communication! ) He totally broke my heart when he asked for a divorce 17 months later. I thought my world had ended. It’s worse when a loved one leaves you than when a loved one dies. Because, at least for me, the loved one that leaves does so by choice and because you are not enough.

Number three came years later.  I married a handsome, very kind gentleman.  I married him because my mother was terminally ill with cancer and I didn’t want to be alone. (I know now.)  I was also attracted to him because he was super kind to my children, especially to my child with special needs. We dated for a couple of years and (after I threatened to date someone else), we became engaged.  We married and actually lasted 13 years probably because he put up with all my BS. He gave me a free rein. We were going along pretty well, until ole hot pants (#2) popped back into my life.  He contacted me after 28 years of absolutely no contact and wanted me back.  Well, I came running.  See?  Idiot.

Once #2 and I were back together, my friends asked me, “Aren’t you afraid he’ll do it (break my heart) again?”  I told them it was worth the risk.  Actually we lasted seven years, including the four years we lived together before we got married. Believe it or not, we had some of the same problems.  Although I had matured, we still had no communication. I was very sad about the split, but a little more able to handle it. However, I did decide I needed to stay single.

Okay, ladies, let’s see if we can glean some wisdom out of my experiences:

1. Don’t marry for any reason except you are crazy in love
2. Expect to have to work at the marriage, including but not limited to, practicing good communication
3. Compromise! Compromise! Compromise!
4. I would recommend dating a lot of guys until you know the type go man you want (say, when you’re 30ish???)
5. Oh, yeah, don’t even THINK you can change a man!  If you don’t love everything about him, keep looking–you haven’t found Mr. Right. (How will you know you’re in love?  If you have to ask, you’re not. You will definitely know.)